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Host expecting you to be loud and out going

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Host expecting you to be loud and out going

I got some neutral feedback from host because they felt I was too quiet. That's just who I am and sometimes especially after a long day in the saddle I may just be tired and want a place to have a shower, do some laundry, maybe share a meal, learn some local information and have a nice sleep.

Has anyone else had similar feedback that some host were expecting you to be loud and out going

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Joel, I was about to

Joel, I was about to sympathise but after looking at your 7 neutral references (and numerous other references) which all seem to diplomatically touch on the same issues I have to say that I think you might need to look at your own behaviour as a guest first rather than wondering what's wrong with so many of your hosts. Everyone is tired and frazzled after a day's touring but I don't see references like those everyday on WS, if anything members are generally reluctant to point out such things.

Incidentally I once had a guest who spoke very little but he was such a gentle, humble person and when he did speak he usually had something thoughtful and valuable to contribute. He is one of my favourite guests, I am unaware that he has had any such issues with hosts and I have met a number of other tourers who have met him on the road and are equally fond of him. You can convey a lot to your host through your actions and perhaps making a bit more effort interacting - taking an interest in their life for example. I don't think you need to completely change the way you are around hosts but it seems to me some earnest self reflection is called for.


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It's actually quite hard for

It's actually quite hard for me to comment on this since I haven't met you in person. You seem to have a lot of positive feedback as well, so I would focus on that.

You are who you are and that's that! You strike me as a solid introvert, and that's something many (most?) people and societies aren't comfortable with. I can fully relate if that's the case.

Maybe you should look at the neutral feedback as a filter for you to eliminate those hosts who aren't comfortable around introverts.

And, it doesn't hurt either to follow Paul's advice and do some personal introspection ...done lots of it myself ;-)

Above all, keep traveling, stay happy and be true to yourself.

...Michelle (not Patti :-))
Currently on the road from Zurich, Switzerland to Sulina, Romania

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No one is too quiet to get positive feedback

Gosh, based on the title of the thread, I'm not sure if you are catching on to the issues. I never expect my guests to be loud or outgoing. I do expect every guest to be courteous. Making a post here is probably a good idea but a better idea might have been to write to the hosts who gave neutral feedback and ask what you did or could have done to have a more successful stay.

I am a person who reads over previous feedback before agreeing to host someone. It gives me an idea of what to expect so I certainly would not expect you to be loud or outgoing.

Since you did post in the forum, I'll let you know that in the past, guests who stayed here used transitional sentences when moving from one activity to another within the home. When using the kitchen they were careful with basic food hygiene and washed anything that was used very well. They look me in the eyes and give a genuine thank-you and a warm good-bye when leaving.

They also have been super respectful of my time in planning things. I'm good at answering people right away. I like to know what a person's plans are at least 24 hours in advance of their arrival and I like them to answer when they say they will. It's awkward and makes planning difficult when the guest is waiting for others to reply and doesn't tell the confirmed host what is going on.

I've just got to say too that I have had guests give me a heads up to say that they were dealing with mental health issues like depression and tourettes. I'm also used to interacting with people who are on the autism spectrum and who manage Asperger's syndrome. It is so much easier on both sides when things like this are acknowledged. Same thing with people who are clearly introverts - they have said what they need when we first meet and have clarified as necessary during the visit.

It is always a bit of a dance when a stranger comes into your home. When one comes in and is needy in a way that seems out of the ordinary and is not able to communicate that need, it is very hard on the host too. Even the most introverted person should probably acquire some basic skills in order to stay in someone's house. It shouldn't just be a decision based on convenience or low cost.

Politeness and courtesy with the host and their home are required for a Warm Showers stay. If guests can't do that, there is the risk that the hosts will feel taken advantage of and will wish that the cyclist chose the local Holiday Inn instead.

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This is not Couchsurfing,

This is not Couchsurfing, where intercultural exchange etcetera is the purpose of the whole thing. As I see it, WarmShowers is about cyclists helping eachother on long trips. I like to chat with my guests, but that is not always possible. Most often the cause of that is language barriers. Often I know about that before they arrive, for me it is not a reason to decline requests from cyclists.

So it is about expectations. Maybe you could mention something about it in your profile. I would still host you for a night.

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@Pieter Kuiper

@Pieter Kuiper

I think everyone takes away there own experience form it, who are you to say what it is or is not.

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I read some of the comments

I read some of the comments but Julieanns struck me as the one that clarified what i think some people perceive from you. They probably feel exploited since you appear to show no interest in them.

Frankly, If you show no interest in your hosts it would appear that you have no interest. Hosts don't need you to be up and partying with them til late but I think if you can't take the time to sit and have a chat for at least an hour with them, but prefer to be on your own the whole time, unless they also are totally preoccupied, it would seem as though you are only there for the free bed and hot shower.

Personally, as a cycle tourer myself, I wouldn't mind just leaving my guest to his own devices for the whole time but at the same it's, very easy to feel exploited and I think guests should be sensitive to that. You should make an effort and to go along with the hosts expectations and there are bound to be hints or opportunities for a chat. You should at least show up for some conversation. Whereas if you just go to your room and don't come out except to make a coffee, dinner and clean your teeth that would rude.

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You make some fair points

You make some fair points Andrea, I always try to connect with my hosts and chat with them and try to learn something about the area there living in but sometimes I find I just don't connect well with some people.

Using Juliet as an example when I arrived I found there were 2 other Warmshowers guest staying there. One who I found rude who was demanding all of Juliets attention by asking her to drive him places and when I did get a chance to talk to her I felt I had a nice chat but when the rude guest came back I got sidelined.
I noticed that Juliet gave positive feedback to the guest I found rude.

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Thanks for responding. I

Thanks for responding. I guess it was a complex situation. And your account seems pretty fair too. If you are a shy person, i guess it can be awkward around extroverts. Maybe Juliet would benefit from hearing your experience first hand. That said, reading through a list of your comments, people have enough info to make up their own minds i think about whether you would fit in with them and they won't be surprised if something similar happens were you to go to their place.

All that said, i'm sure its not too thrilling to have the neutral reviews. But don't worry, we dont' need everyone to like us.

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Posted twice not sure how to

Posted twice not sure how to delete second post

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I looked through the many

I looked through the many comments and personally feel a bit confused. To me ... it's not about ME, when I accept a guest. It seems that some of the neutral comments were by people who want to be entertained by a guest, rather that simply being sympathetic to the guests needs. I feel we should offer the services warm-showers without a secondary agenda. That is why I always stress in my response back to a guest wanting to stay that they should not go and buy gifts or food or whatever for me. I just want to make someone's trip a bit easier - on their terms. Joel ... if you are ever in the piedmont region or North Carolina ... come on and stay over, and don't bother doing anything but sleep and rest, or whatever it is that will help you get on your bicycle tour. It will be a privilege. :)

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Thanks Pavel, often I find

Thanks Pavel, often I find host who haven't travelled much have a different expectation of a cycling guest than people who have used warmshowers as a guest.
In saying that all feedback does help me think about how I interact with hosts

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I think there is a simple fix

I think there is a simple fix.

Make the first line of your profile tell people you're quiet and introspective guy.

Maybe sure it's also upfront in your contact letter.

If you set their expectations, it should be less of an issue.

Expectations are everything!

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I daresay you are too

I daresay you are too optimistic about this working in profiles. In well over a decade of hospex involvement now, I have learned that people (both hosts or travelers) often fail to read profiles in any detail. For example, I used to host in a student flat where my guests had to sleep on the floor. I made this extremely clear in my profile and said that guests needed a sleeping bag. Travelers would still show up unprepared, get upset, and claim that I shouldn’t be hosting at all if I couldn’t offer the same conditions as any other host. From the other side, travelers who make it extremely clear in their profiles that they are vegetarian/vegan, often complain that hosts still prepare a meat/ovo-lacto dinner for them before they arrive.

So, it is far better to state this in one’s contact letter, but a more reliable approach for someone as quiet as the OP is only sending requests to hosts where it is obvious from their profile that they don’t demand (or even desire) much interaction from guests. For example, better to stay with hosts who put their guests in a separate building on their property, and who get so many tourers during the season that they get tired of socializing with them much. A host who lives in a small flat and you’re his/her only guest for months, on the other hand, might not be a good idea.

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often fail to read profiles... / often complain that hosts...

If some hosts/guests do not read each others profiles, who is blaming who for misunderstandings or disappointments?

If some hosts/guests in their email exchange indicate their personal preferences/conditions, but these do not fit on both sides, what can we expect?

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